Though it’s not like my posts are usually hysterically hilarious, my thoughts right now are downright serious.

You’ve been warned.

I just got home from seeing Far From Heaven. I thought it was brilliant and very beautiful, but I’m not a very tough critic when it comes to movies, just TV.

It did make me think, though more than it probably was meant to. The incredibly hectic past two weeks have left me without any time for introspection and reflection, which I’m usually not lacking. I spend quite a bit of time alone, by choice, and get all my thinking out then. But this movie was the only time I’ve had any real thinking time in weeks, and I probably went overboard.

I’m not sure what I’m doing. Anywhere. I’ve been somewhat looking for a job for months, but it’s not like I hate my job. I set my own hours, sometimes enjoy the work, have way too much fun with the people, and get lots of fun “press” perks. But, as completely corny as it sounds, I’ve never felt like this was what I was meant to do. I don’t know for sure what I am “supposed” to do, but I have some ideas. And I don’t just go try those things and see because… well, I’m scared.

I’m such a wimp!

At what point will I be satisfied? I always want more. I keep working toward bigger, better, more, more, more. Why? What’s the difference? Right now, I work in the 36th largest TV market in the country (out of 210). How will my work change if I were in #7 or #2, or even #1? It won’t. My work will stay the same. So why do I want to get there? Will I learn more? Yes. Will I make more money? Yes. But what do either of those things really get me? Happiness? Not necessarily. The learning can’t hurt, but educated people are most definitely not always the happiest. And is happiness even what I’m trying for here? Then again, what else is there?

Everything I feel like saying comes out in a corny cliche. I want to contribute to something, though I don’t know what. Is it creative, political, social? I want to make something, or someone, different. I think part of that desire is a little bit power trip, but there’s also lot that’s just… craving a purpose? I can go to work tomorrow, do my usual stuff, and no one will necessarily notice. I’m just making decisions that keep things running. It’s not until I disappear and things start falling apart that everyone would suddenly realize I was gone. I want to do something that makes me memorable and worthwhile for doing, not noticed only once I stopped doing. Does that make any sense? And why the hell do I need to be memorable? Is that just a base human need? Or am I secretly some insecure drama queen who needs an audience?

And I absolutely don’t mean any of this as a “poor, poor me” plea. I do good work, and am well-rewarded for it, but while the work I do is important to the station, I’m not, and I kind of feel like filler right now. How does that work???

Does all this make me needy?

I’m not fond of this post. I feel like I’m only restating—and very poorly—what every other mid-20-year-old going through a growing-up crisis has already said: I want to make a difference. I want to make things better, whatever I think “better” means.

And it’d be a bonus if I found happiness in the process.

Does everybody get lost at this point in the journey?