Last night at the club I saw a guy I hadn’t seen since I was single—just over two years ago. He didn’t see me but I watched him from across the dance floor for several minutes. (Yes, I felt like a creepy voyeur, but I did it anyway.) We’d met at a different club in early spring 2001, just a few weeks before I met Patrick. He was incredibly hot and that night we danced for over an hour and then ended up making out in a secluded corner of the patio for another hour (completely out of character for me).

When the club closed at 2:00 am (stupid Utah laws), the bartender came outside and said, “Sorry boys, time to take it to one of your places.” He was quite drunk, so he went home with his designated driver and I think we both assumed we’d run into the other at the club in a few weeks. We didn’t exchange numbers or anything. I never saw him again, until last night, and had pretty much forgotten about him since I met Patrick.

Last night when I saw him, I wanted to say something, do something, anything. I wasn’t thinking about Patrick, but I wasn’t not thinking about him either, if that makes sense. I was just in another world, two years prior, wanting to have some innocent drunken fun again. Monogamy precludes that sort of behavior, and for the first time in a very long while, I’m not sure I’m ready to be so committed to one person—at least not this early in my life. For so long I looked for someone with whom to be monogamous—I craved a boyfriend. And now that I’ve had it for a while, I’m starting to crave some freedom.

I’m not sure what to do now, if anything, so I’m just going to think about it for a few weeks. I have no doubt I love Patrick, but I’m suddenly wondering if I’m ready to love someone. Does that make sense at all? It sounds like I’m making excuses for wanting to be a big unfaithful whore, but I’m not looking to get laid; I’m just worried because I’m craving something from my past.

Something so intense that, even though it happened over two years ago, I still remember how my lips were sore when I got home that night.