For an explanation about Geoffrey, click here.

Sat. 12 Jan 1991

Felt worse today—worst day since getting out of the hospital. I hope I’m not headed for another visit. It seems so hard just to get through the day. If I were much more tired, I doubt I’d be able to take care of myself. Why is this happening so fast? Will I care if things get worse? The worst part of getting sick this time was the process of getting sick. I seemed to pass a threshold to where it didn’t matter. Most of the physical discomfort disappeared. I feel sicker today than my first night in the hospital. That must be the body’s way of protecting itself.

I only have 4 more IV feedings of Pentamadine to go. I can’t wait to get off that stuff. Its side effect is that I’m constantly nauseous. It makes it hard to even think of eating and leaves a horrible taste in my mouth. I suppose each of the last four doses will only make that worse, too. I can’t find anything to eat which keeps that bad taste away. How many other medications will I need to take that make me feel sick? Maybe it’s not side-effects but I’m actually getting sick again. If only I knew which it is.

If I do get weaker, I don’t think I should stay here with Ray anymore. I’m afraid that I’m too much of a burden on him now. I don’t know what I’ll do if that happens. I suppose there’s a place where they keep people like me. I just hope it’s a place that I can deal with.

I just don’t know if life would be worth living if I couldn’t take care of myself. I must remember that God won’t give me anything I can’t deal with. The important thing is to endure to the end. If I do that, I know He’ll make the end bearable—or at least something I can get through.