For an explanation about Geoffrey, click here.

Sun. 20 Jan 1991

Sick all day—couldn’t even get out of the house today. I slept very little last night. That could be the reason I feel so weak today. Whatever it is, I don’t want many days like this! I don’t like being here alone while Ray is at work. I’m not sure what I’d do if something started to happen. Would I be able to get to a phone or some kind of help? The unknown is so much harder to deal with than the known. Why am I so afraid?

Ray and I were supposed to go over to the house today, but didn’t. Neither one of us even mentioned it. There’s so much that I need to deal with. I need to do something about having a place to live, and what to do with all my things in that house. I do have at least a short future to deal with. I hope I feel up to getting over there tomorrow. Otherwise, I need to be honest with myself—that I’m not quite up to taking care of myself. But, what do I do about that? Tomorrow has to be a better day.

This is just not the way I had things figured today. I just need to get some sleep tonight and try harder tomorrow. I know things would seem easier if it were warmer. I feel the cold now more than ever. It’s going to start to warm up soon. I’d love to be bike riding or walking in the warm sunshine. I’m sure I’ll get to do that soon.

I don’t know what I’d do right now if it weren’t for Ray. I’m deeply concerned about leaving him alone. I never should have brought him out here, just to leave him alone.