For an explanation about Geoffrey, click here.

Wed. 23 Jan 1991

One more day. Made my third trip to ShopKo in trying to get correct dosage of Dapsone. The doctor must have made a mistake—a one-month supply was under $20. That’s the cheapest thing so far. I was going to get more Mycelex—couldn’t afford it. That was all I got done today. Things are really starting to get depressing. At least I could afford to live—now I don’t have the money to die. I know that I’ll be getting some kind of medical card to pay for some of these things—I just don’t remember who issues it and how I can follow up on it.

This week, it’s been getting harder and harder to get any food down. Whatever I eat leaves me feeling sick for a couple of hours after. I sense that I’ve started to lose weight again. Ray bought lunch again today—I regretted ordering anything. I did manage to get my food down but felt sick all the way back here. I sat in the restaurant thinking seriously about stopping taking all medications. I pray that God will send the answer and take me out of this confusion.

This is the third Wednesday that I missed the AIDS support group at St. Ben’s. It seems too complicated to get out there and back by bus—especially in this cold weather. I need to see if I can get a ride out there. I suppose it would be good if I could talk this out with someone. One thing bothers me—How bad can I get and still let my friends see me? I don’t want them to remember me that way. I also don’t know if I want to die alone or with someone at my side. How will it happen? When will it happen? What will it be like? God, be merciful.