For an explanation about Geoffrey, click here.

Wed. 30 Jan 1991

I have just about run out of resources to help me get my things out of the house. I guess it’s true that people line up at your door if you have something they need or want. Where are those same people now that I need help? Nowhere to be seen. Of course, if I were giving the things away at the house, it would be no problem to empty it out real soon. I’ve decided to quit asking anyone for help. At least I can say that I’ve always tried to be there for friends who needed help.

After about five or six calls to the AIDS Foundation, I still haven’t actually been able to talk to a case worker about getting any help. And their brochure says, “help is just a phone call away.” Why can’t I get any? It really hurts to be in this position and have no one to help with the things I can’t do. The important thing to remember is that I’ll be judged on my actions, not those of others.

When is the last time that anybody did anything for me without having expectations of something in return? In fact, I’ve usually had to pay people to screw me over. It becomes easier to think about leaving this world. Then I won’t have to beg for a ride to the grocery store! I’m surely not the first AIDS patient to experience a sense of abandonment.

I’m lucky that I’ve had Ray to offer the help he has. It’s not right to expect him to deal with all my problems. I had expected to be able to die in bed, not sleeping on a living room floor. I’d have liked clean sheets or at least clean clothes to wear on that day. There must be a way to get these things.