For an explanation about Geoffrey, click here.

Thur. 31 Jan 1991

Very depressing day. Basically, my best efforts to take care of things got nothing done. Didn’t take care of the house, grocery store, laundry, etc. It’s hard to see my whole life fall apart and not have the strength to stop it. I don’t know how much longer I can go on this way. I want a bed and clean sheets to sleep on so badly. God, don’t let me die with no place to be but on the floor. Don’t let me go another month in these same clothes. I feel so dirty and tired.

I started to think that the only way to do this is to be in a nursing home - or whatever they call that. Maybe I wouldn’t even qualify for that. All I know is my life isn’t worth living as it is now. I know that things can never be the way I want them, but you’d think I could figure how to get a clean bed to sleep in. I’d be better off if I died now. Why is God asking me to endure this existence? I know the answer to that. I pray I have the strength to accept these trials and not lose faith. That’s what it’s all about.

A priest in the hospital gave me encouragement about my situation - i.e. knowing ahead of time that I would shortly die. But none of those reasons change the fact - life is hard when the only thing you can be sure of is poor health and death. Especially when the few people around me are still basically in denial concerning my death. Besides, how long can people take in saying “good-bye?” The uncertainty takes away my own sense of reality - which I need in order to help others with this.