For an explanation about Geoffrey, click here.

Mon. 4 Feb. 1991

Today was the big trip to the AIDS Foundation in Salt Lake. Between Luis and I, we made twelve phone calls to set up a definite appointment for today. It turned out exactly as I thought - they really don’t offer any services in Ogden. It would have been nice if they had said that from the first phone call. It really makes me think that Ogden is the wrong place to be sick with AIDS. Is there a “right” place to be? Luis sees more advantages for me if I moved to Salt Lake City - I think I do, too, but it seems like a major move to me.

I stopped by at the mall to discuss the above with Ray. He seems quite concerned about living in Ogden if I went to Salt Lake. I wonder if he realizes how that makes me feel? I hope he realizes that these aren’t easy decisions for me to make. Will I carry guilt all the way to the grave?

All of this indecision really serves to make me more depressed. I really think it would have been best if I had died in the hospital. The important thing to me is what life is like if I live - not solely staying alive. There has to be a reason to live longer. Why can’t others see it the same way? I guess this is teaching me that while people will be with me, I need to face the realities of death by myself. It’s the one thing we all have to do - no one can help us do it. The best anyone else can do is to look at all this from their viewpoint - but that doesn’t allow them the real concept of death. That reality is only for me.