For an explanation about Geoffrey, click here.

Tue. 5 Feb 1991

Luis came by again today - to take me to the Big Nickel and place the “moving sale” ad. There’s something sad about having to sell most of what I own - just to survive a while longer. It really defines how alone I am in the world. Luis expressed interest in buying quite a few of the things. Half of me is glad that he’ll have some of my favorite possessions. The other half has a hard time seeing the life I can’t have becoming a part of someone else’s life. It’s so hard to hear about plans that you can never be a part of.

I thought I really understood what Mom was going through when she got sick. I really thought that I was doing everything for her that I could. Now I know that she went through things that I couldn’t even imagine. Death is such a lonely adversary. As much as you’re around death, it takes on a different face when it’s your own.

I keep hoping that I might feel better once I got settled into my own place. Then I need to find something to occupy my time with. I’d like to find a way to be of help to other people. Maybe lonely people facing death. I need something of meaning in my life. Something that might take my mind off myself. This would be so much easier in San Francisco. Even Salt Lake would have more volunteer opportunities.

I need to make funeral plans before too long. Really don’t know how to handle that. It would be nice to have my ashes scattered over San Francisco bay, but who would see that got done?