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Thur. 7 Feb 1991

Another one of my numberless days in limbo. It’s so hard to believe that almost two months have gone by since I got sick and went in the hospital. Such a long time to have wasted - with nothing to show for it. It seems like one long day. There’s so little to distinguish one day from the next. Why does the most important phase of my life seem so void of meaning? I think the tough part about AIDS is not knowing what lies ahead. Just when I felt better than ever, I got sicker than ever. That just makes it harder - will I live another week or another year? Things happened so quickly last time - maybe next time will be quicker - and I won’t make it.

I managed to pick up my missing G.A. check today. That was a lot easier than I thought. The lady there couldn’t be nicer to me. We were talking about how hard it is to have AIDS and live in Ogden. It would be nice if the whole world could be as understanding as she was. Dorothy W_____ from Wide Horizons seems just as nice. She hardly knew me and still calls the machine and leaves such caring messages. I need to get in touch with her and tell her how much that means to me.

I know that those who read this diary will think that I have a lack of faith. To make things clear - I’m not afraid to die. It’s the hurt that lies between now and my death which is hard to endure. Our mortal life here on earth is just a test - mine might be harder than others, but I know that I’ll endure. If I didn’t have faith, I would have killed myself a month ago. Instead, I pray for death. “God’s will be done.”