For an explanation about Geoffrey, click here.

Fri. 8 Feb 1991

So many plans for today - and so little accomplished. Ray took me to lunch (yet again) and I got to the bank - needed change for tomorrow’s “moving sale.” That represents a full day’s activities for me. My mind wants so much more than my body can deliver. That frustration is hard for a healthy person to imagine. One needs to live through AIDS to really understand it. 60 Minutes did a segment tonight on the problems of aging - the four major obstacles being: 1) Economic insecurity, 2) loneliness, 3) the sense of loss, 4) fear of declining health and death. These are the major problems I face but I can’t help feeling that it’s harder to deal with all of this when in the prime of one’s life.

It’s hard to face tomorrow’s “moving sale.” It feels like I’ll be selling my whole life to people I don’t even know. Almost like a “Going out of Business” sale. I’ll be tearing apart a life that I have no hope of building again. How does one face a life without hope of a future? No matter what I do, I have NO future. Whoever buys my things would only do so if they were planning for their future. That’s a hard concept to deal with.

All I can do is think of the thousands of people who went through all this before me. There’s nothing unique about my situation. How many times have I seen it before? No one who enjoys life can possible be ready to see it end. I know that I’ll die and go on to greater rewards - but that knowledge doesn’t make it easier to leave what little I have here on earth.