For an explanation about Geoffrey, click here.

Tue. 12 Feb 1991

Not much going on today. I felt so tired from the long weekend. It’s so hard to feel so tired from doing nothing. It’s also hard to sit and wait to hear about that apartment. If I don’t get it, I’ll need to pack up and put my things in storage. That will only put me a step further away from getting a place to live. I can’t help but think that Ray is getting tired of putting up with me. It also seems hard to think of moving away from him - I feel like I’m really abandoning him.

This is not what I pictured for the end of my life. There are so few choices left - none of which I want. So often, I go to bed and wish that I wouldn’t wake up. God must have a reason to put me through this test - I just can’t imagine what it is. Sometimes, I actually think that this is all a mistake - I really don’t have AIDS and I’ll live forever. Cruel trick of the mind!

I should have made an appointment with Dr. F_____ for this week. I don’t know why, but I haven’t bothered to do that. It would be nice to never see a doctor again. What kind of good news can they give me? Maybe I can make an appointment after I get moved. I still can’t see the point of doing things to prolong my life for a few months. I hate living life with nothing to look forward to. Maybe that would be different once I had a place to live. I need to get involved with something once I get settled.

Hopefully, I can make that move this weekend - getting a temporary sense of permanence. What a strange thought.