For an explanation about Geoffrey, click here.

Sat. 16 Feb 1991

Supposed to get up bright and early today to pack up the house. It was raining when I got up - so I decided to wait a while until it stopped. I wound up waiting the whole day. It never did stop raining. This has been a very frustrating day. I’m so anxious to get packed and out of that house. I need a place of my own so badly - I can taste it!

Part of me wants to be independent and on my own. The other part is scared to death to make the move. Will I be able to make the move and survive on my own? I guess I’ve always been somewhat afraid of the future. I need to learn how to relax and enjoy today. Why worry about tomorrow? That’s something I must have inherited from my mother. I don’t think I ever met anyone more afraid of life. Having cancer must have been a horrible experience for her. I really thought I was being a comfort to her through her illness. Now that I look back, I can’t feel that I was much help. It could be that I’m coloring the experience with my own imminent death. It’s hard for healthy people to realize how lonely death can be. It’s a time when one looks at what really is important in life.

It’s so hard to explain that feeling. Just when life is almost over, the smallest things become so important. I guess it’s a way to hang onto life when we know we are about to lose it. I think, therefore I am.