For an explanation about Geoffrey, click here.

Sun. 17 Feb 1991

The rains have finally gone, but it feels a lot colder than the last few days. Ray and I went over to the house to get some packing done. I know that I need to make this move, but it sure is hard to do. No one can imagine how much my rundown old house means to me. It seems so sad to be leaving it.

I thought a lot about Irene, Louis, and Yolie today. I hate to think of the grief they must be suffering this weekend. It makes me think of when Cisco died. I never was much help to them when they experienced that loss. I can’t help but wonder what their private thoughts are today about his death. My father’s death seems so remote and far away - yet it was probably the most traumatic thing I ever went through. I don’t feel I gave him much to be proud about. Never had the chance. I wanted to show him that I would make something of myself so badly. I wonder what he would think of me now if he could see me? Would he understand what AIDS is all about? I doubt it.

I think the thing that really hurts is that I don’t have anyone to talk to about these things. All Ray would advise is, “Who cares?” I hope people care about life more than he professes to. Maybe it’s all an act. What does it really mean when someone cares? They only care if they see themselves in the situation.