For the first time, writing openly for such a potentially large audience (note potentially large audience) is a little scary, and I don’t know why. The subject matter hasn’t changed or anything, but I’m nervous anyway. Hopefully I won’t regret sharing.
Anyway, I think I’m having an identity crisis again.
I’m experiencing the paralyzing indecision again too. Instead of doing something fully, I do nothing at all, or I do the bare minimum in a half-assed way and get nowhere. All because I don’t know what I really want.
Or maybe even who I am. Which is a scary thing to consider.
Does this sound familiar, or what?
It’s really kind of pathetic that I do this every few months, almost on schedule.
Maybe I’m depressed this time though. Really depressed and not just down. Except for the coming-out stage, I’ve been so inordinantly happy for so much of my life that these “downer” times just make me seem like a normal, merely-content-with-things person. But people who have known me very long know “merely-content” is not me at all.
The last few years have been so … underwhelming. Especially after such a promising start in adulthood.
I feel bad for Patrick. He hasn’t known me long enough to know that I wasn’t always like this. For him to love me anyway, and us to have such a fulfilling relationship … I can only imagine what it might be like if I were still happy and could be a better partner, like he deserves.
Sometime - a lot of times even - I think I know what I want, but I’m secretly so afraid of failure that I don’t even try. That’s common, I guess. But I’ve never been afraid of failing before. I’m a little ashamed to say that I’ve always just assumed I’d be succesful if I tried something. Where is this fear of failure coming from, and why now?
I think I’m too old to still be at this point. And I don’t want to hear any of that bullshit about lots of people who are older than I am still not knowing either. I’m not lots of people. Before this, I knew exactly what I wanted and I pretty much always got it.
I know this might sound arrogant, and I’m sorry if that’s the case, but I’m just not used to feeling this mediocre and … ordinary.
I’m so disappointed in myself anymore that I can’t even imagine what other people are thinking, particularly those who know me well enough to remember when I could exceed even the most extravagantly high expectations.
Why do I feel like I peaked early and it’s all downhill from here?
November 26, 2004 at 4:18 am
I can relate with you some on the depression side. The only way to kill those feelings of self worthlessness is to do it yourself. I decided earlier in the week that I was not going to stress about things anylonger, it was not healthy for me. Lke Patrick, Chris is a loving and accepting husband. Nick you and you only hold the power to make life changing decisions to better your well-being. Chris and I talk about how intelligent you and Patrick are, you both have a lot of insight. You have the ability to change whatever you want just think about it and do it. I know you well enough to know you hold your own answers.
November 26, 2004 at 9:32 am
Yeah, I can relate. My spouse and I noted a while back that I seem to go on highs for about three months, then drop. Partially it was my diet: I’m hypoglycemic. Partially it’s just me. I deal with a lot of it through Zen (everything is temporary) and discussing it with my spouse who then points out all my accomplishment (with the first being married to him
Hang in there. Deep breath. And look at the project IN FRONT OF YOU and start working on it.
November 26, 2004 at 11:02 am
Sigh. I can’t comment on this without sounding superficial or fake, but alas, here I go anyway: I can relate. A good day for me is if I don’t tell myself 100 times that I’m the biggest loser alive. My biggest sense of accomplishment these days is a new f-ing blog design.
My studies of Buddhism have helped a lot, though. Success is an illusion, everything is temporary (what Joel said). It has taught me that the source of all personal misery is the perpetual search for one temporary high after another, and we are never satisfied because nothing is permanent.
However, I am still a slave to that thought process. Ironically, Buddhist though has only brought me temporary reprieve
I’ll shut up now. *hugs* for you Nick.
November 29, 2004 at 10:02 am
When I was in my teens, I could see my “path” very clearly. The older I become, the less certain I realize life is.
Initially, I panicked but through meditation and studying of Buddhist teaching, I’ve learnt to “go with the flow”.
Just my 2 cents…
Hugz!
November 29, 2004 at 1:09 pm
I’ve read that depression can be a normal (but temporary) response to change.
Nobody is happy all the time. It’s normal to have down periods; perhaps you’re beginning to realize you’re normal. You’re 24, a couple years out of college, and still adjusting to life in the real world. Your whole life, things have been a particular way — but your whole life up to now is only a fraction of what your life will be as a whole.
At age 30, I sometimes find that I’m still getting used to the real world.
And it’s okay to feel ordinary. You may have wonderful talents, but you’re not immune to life.
December 3, 2004 at 12:22 pm
Here is your unsolicited advice for the day…ahem… the bad news is that those feelings never leave. I am 43 and I still don’t have a clue. The good news is that it all seems to get easier to handle. Life comes and things happen, a series of moments colored by emotions. Stuff still hurts, the confusion is always there, the joys are sometimes muted by memories…and still it all becomes easier to handle with time. You realize that you are open to all the good things, but somehow your hide is a little tougher and the bad doesn’t seem to knock you down as hard. Don’t worry, everything is as it’s supposed to be. I sincerely wish I knew something that could make it all make sense and make the depression leave - ok, try this; just think of it as an electrical storm in your brain, eventually the lightning stops and the sun comes out. Like I said, I am still learning, maybe I will come up with something better eventually. Cheers
April 25, 2006 at 3:29 pm
Just Wondering IF, there is Some Type of AGE, Limit, Here. I MAY, Be Interested.
Also; PLEASE, Send Some of YOU, to ME, at;
whitetide84tall@yahoo.com
If You’re SLIM, CUTE, and SMOOTH; I Can Certainly DIG IT.
Thanks.