Yesterday afternoon, Oprah.com posted a message from Nate Berkus and promised updates on tomorrow’s Oprah show, which will be her first of the year.
<soapbox>
In his message, Nate again refers to Fernando Bengoechea as his “friend.”
This annoys me to no end.
Since I’m probably gonna take a lot of crap for what follows (Maria already mentioned how inappropriate this discussion was in a comment a few days ago, and I don’t really disagree), let me just get a few pre-emptive things out of the way:
Yes, I know this disaster should not be - and is not - about semantics.
Yes, I do feel so bad about Nate and his worry and grief, about Fernando, about the whole tragedy affecting so many hundreds of thousands of people. They all deserve our support, prayers, time, and money.
No, it’s really none of my business what Nate calls Fernando, ever, but especially when they’re still searching for answers.
And yes, a big part of me does feel like an ass for being so annoyed about this and mentioning it here and now.
That said, I’m still gonna bitch about it.
Throughout this ordeal, Nate has repeatedly been quoted as calling Fernando his “friend.” In their initial report about Nate’s survival, ABC News referred to Fernando as Nate’s “partner.” Some newspapers, like the New York Post, called Fernando Nate’s “traveling companion.” Another newspaper dared to go so far as to say Fernando was Nate’s “live-in companion in New York.”
It’s so stupid for everyone - especially Nate - to tiptoe around their relationship’s status when we all know exactly what’s going on. After all, you don’t see the press calling Petra Nemcova’s missing photographer boyfriend, Simon Atlee, merely her “friend.” She, though, has not veiled their relationship herself.
An article in today’s New York Times even says, “He [Berkus] remained there [in Colombo], continuing his search along with private investigators for a man some news accounts referred to coyly as his ‘friend’ (they were [are?] a couple, ‘very much in love,’ Mr.Bengoechea’s brother, Marcelo Bengoechea, said).” That’s also what Marcelo said last week in a comment here at Zionide.
Frankly, I think it’s a little cowardly to persist in the use of “friend.” It’s even a little insulting to committed gay relationships everywhere - including Nate’s, if that’s indeed what it is. The we’re-still-in-high-school term “boyfriend” is preferable to the non-committal “friend.” If Nate himself really does consider Fernando as “just” his “friend,” then fine. I take back everything I’ve said and am about to say. But at this point, that’s a pretty tough idea to sell.
By hiding behind a casual term that can’t possibly indicate the depth of their feelings for each other (if they are “very much in love”), the powers-that-be are making it easier for Nate’s conservative midwestern Oprah fanbase to handle his sexuality and retain his popularity. Is it intentional on Nate’s part? I seriously doubt it, as it doesn’t seem like he’s ever been much for the closet (though he once gingerly sidestepped a question about his love life when asked on an Oprah After the Show).
But I wouldn’t be surprised if his massive PR machine, likely responsible for generating his “official” statements to the media, has it in the back of their minds. What shocked me was hearing Nate himself use “friend” on CNN, right after the disaster struck, when he was clearly still shaken up. His description of holding onto that pole, shouting Fernando’s name as Fernando was washed away, was heartbreaking. But - and this is sad but true - not as heartbreaking as if he’d been forthrightly honest about their status - especially to Mrs. John W. Square-state who might not otherwise catch on.
Subversive (or subconcious) self-censorship is one reason why gay Americans’ fight for rights isn’t nearly as successful as it could be. Allowing much of American society to pretend “real” gay people - the ones who just live their everyday lives together like any other couple - don’t actually exist isn’t protecting us from discomfort. It’s adding to our invisibility. Until all of us stand up and make it perfectly clear who (or what, if you prefer) we are, they’re still going to be able to silence us.
Don’t be mistaken: I don’t think in-your-face activism is the answer. That can too easily backfire and just annoy your average American. But gentle, everyday activism is the way to equality. It can show straight America that we, like them, love and cherish each other - even ’til death do we part. Answering “Patrick” when someone asks my girlfriend’s name, instead of just saying I don’t have one (which would be true, but not honest - there is a difference) is one of the subtle things that will, in the long run, make a lasting, palpable difference.
I have as much work to do in this regard as anybody, but I sure hope that if I’m ever in a position with as much public attention as Nate Berkus is right now, I’d at the very least be able to be completely honest and say, through my tears, that I was grief-stricken and torn up and a big damn mess because the MAN I LOVE (or, better yet, HUSBAND) was missing and possibly dead.
Instead of just saying how upset I was about my missing “friend.”
</soapbox>
January 4, 2005 at 2:11 am
I agree with you 100%. Even New York Times raised a question about the ‘friend’ title. Nate’s message at Oprah.com put me off. If or When Fernando is found, how will he feel about being referred to as just a ‘friend’ all this time. Unless he is trying to shield Fernando or they are really just ‘friends’ then thats a different story.
January 4, 2005 at 6:39 am
Nate Berkus and his “friend”
Nick does a good job of making a point that’s been bothering me in the post-tsunami sub-coverage relating to Nate…
January 4, 2005 at 8:00 am
I couldn’t agree with you more. Even the open-to-interpretation “partner” would have been preferable. I also found it a bit alarming hearing Mr. Berkus on CNN so soon after the tsunami struck, but I suppose he could have been in shock and running on auto-pilot…
January 4, 2005 at 8:31 am
Nick, I do agree with you somewhat in your interpretation, but who knows if the use of “quotes” were actually his words, or those of the PR people on Oprah. Some people are uncomfortable with labels “boyfriend”, “lover”, “partner”. Bottom line is that whatever they choose to call themselves to others, doesn’t deminish what they have for each other. These are just words.
January 4, 2005 at 12:26 pm
Nick, I couldn’t agree with you more- we need daily acts of ordinary activism to increase our visibility and make our “lives” more ordinary to those around us.
However, give Nate a break and let him process the ordeal the way it makes sense to him! He shouldn’t give a flying crap about activism under the ensuing shock that comes under the unfathomable circumstances he has found himself experiencing, the likely loss of his love in a horrific calamity. Give him a chance to deal with the shock of it all before expecting him to play public activist.
I’d like to think I’d refer to my boyfriend as such, but I’m not in Nate’s shoes and I’m not going to assume how I would act in a public forum under similar duress. The public semantics doesn’t diminish their private love. Besides-my boyfriend would expect me to call him my “friend” just to piss him off.
Great website by the way.
January 4, 2005 at 1:07 pm
Maybe he just wasn’t sure he could handle the ‘outing’ at the same time he lost his boyfriend. I think it’s understandable. I’m not judging him or his actions… who knows how you feel or what you think when something like this happens? I think he at least could’ve handled this part of it better, but I’m convinced he’ll remedy the situation when he feels more like talking.
January 4, 2005 at 1:13 pm
I don’t think Nate should be worrying about being an activist at this point anymore than he should be worrying about masquarading their relationship as “friendly” - obviously there are more pressing things to worry about. But I think it’s pretty clear SOMEBODY is concerned, given the persistent use of the word when Fernando’s family is doing otherwise.
I also don’t think I’d feel this strongly if he’d been more honest about his life in the months leading up to this. While certainly never closeted (thanks to his Vox/OUT award), he always side-stepped the screaming female fans with nary a mention of his sexuality or boyfriend. If he had been open from the beginning, with his first, longterm “partner” Steve, with Fernando, with whomever, we wouldn’t be in this position at all as everybody, from the press to the housewives, would know the deal, making a masquarade even more absurd than it is now.
January 4, 2005 at 1:38 pm
There is a large part of me that agrees with you. But the “friend” label doesn’t annoy me so much as it saddens me. Yes, it makes me frustrated, but with our society, not with Nate. The possibility that he feels the need to censor himself makes this situation even more heartbreaking. However, I cannot begin to fathom what he is going through right now. Of course, being a straight woman myself, and not in love, I don’t feel it is my place to criticize Nate or pass judgement on him.
Anyhow, that’s my two cents. (Or should it be those are?)
January 4, 2005 at 3:18 pm
I couldn’t agree more. As a matter of fact, I posted a very similar rant at Oprah’s site. It was located under the prayer section of her forum but it was later removed. I also posted it at some gay forums. I disturded by Nate’s willlingness to hide himself. Even though he has won awards as an openly homosexual designer. Perhaps, just perhaps the tip-toeing is due to the fact that Fernando was not out, but Nate needs to be real here. He has lowered their relationship. I find it sad. Sad because Fernando is probably dead. Sad because he hasn’t gotten the respect he deserves by being acknowledged by Nate. Sad that Nate feels the need to hide. Sad that this is where society places gay people — in fear.
January 4, 2005 at 3:23 pm
It’s entirely possible Nate didn’t write the message himself. He may have dictated it to someone who then wrote the update.
By the way, he’s home. Check out his website.
Anyway, Nate can call whomever he is in a relationship with anything that is comfortable for him.
I really really hope this issue doesn’t turn into something ugly that people will get carried away with. Someone on another board posted they had gone to high school with Nate and that there wasn’t an unkind bone in his body. I hope people will remember that.
January 4, 2005 at 3:23 pm
I recently lost two family members before Christmas, and I’ve done alot of Bible study and alot of soul searching. What I offer to you now is it doesn’t matter what your nationality is, or your income, or your sex, or your preference, or your color. What really matters is that we are talking about “human beings.” Fellow human beings who deserve unconditional love and respect. It doesn’t matter whether Nate possesses the characteristics that society considers handsome or hot or what he looks like shirtless, pantless, shoeless, or whatever your kink is. It doesn’t matter whether or not Nate and Fernando were friends or more. It doesn’t matter whether someone is gay, straight, bi-sexual, or celebate. It doesn’t matter whether Fernando would be upset by being referred to as a friend. It doesn’t matter whether Nate has or has not been spotted at a certain club or party. What really matters is that he is a human being with feelings and that he deserves the unconditional love of every other human being on the planet. Everyone deserves the unconditional love of others. We all need to stop playing the race, sex, nationality, religion “card” and just start loving each unconditionally. I’m know that Fernando would be relieved to know that Nate is alive, safe, and healthy. Rent the movie “Joshua”. Listen very carefully to the message, and then watch the characterizations very carefully. Very carefully. Everyone is represented in that movie. Everyone is respected. Listen to the message between Joshua and the Pope. Unconditional love is the message. Unconditional love should be the goal of every human being. We’re all experiencing the worst natuaral disaster in history. The world deserves dignity and unconditional love. Everything else is unimportant.
January 4, 2005 at 4:37 pm
I completely missed this before. Nate does refer to Fernando as his partner in the new message posted on his website, http://www.nateberkus.com, wherein he also states that he is now home.
January 4, 2005 at 5:24 pm
THEY CHANGED FRIEND TO PARTNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well atleast in his official statement.
January 4, 2005 at 5:47 pm
Just a comment on your statements about Nate. I went to oprah.com and read the note from Nate. In his note he does refer to Fernando as his partner. The “friend” comment appears after the end of his statement and looks to me like something put there by an Oprah staff person. It looks like Nate is being upfront about his relationship.
January 4, 2005 at 6:29 pm
On the Oprah.com site, the word “partner” was added after the original message was put up. I copied the original onto my own site (with the word “friend”), and then compared them today.
Either way, I think whether Nate wants to refer to Fernando as a friend or partner is entirely up to him. How he comes out, or the method in which he refers to his personal relationships should be entirely his own choice.
After all, the choices we make are the only things that are truly ours; Perception is entirely out of our hands.
January 4, 2005 at 6:37 pm
Just a quick note: I got my info about Nate being home and his referring to Fernando as his partner from Nate’s own website. The update on Oprah’s site is just a carbon copy of the message on Nate’s business site.
And as far as Nate being coy on Oprah’s show when someone asked about his love life, I saw that show and thought he handled it well. He doesn’t owe anyone an explanation about his personal life, and I thought it refreshing he kept his personal business to himself.
And I really pray and wish Fernando is found, but I fear that’s not going to be the case. Nate is home and Fernando’s family will make a statement Thursday. I’m very sad.
January 4, 2005 at 7:37 pm
If we only had a dime for each celebrity who has genuine fears for what people would percieve about them when their business interests were at stake, we would be indeed, rich.
I cannot answer for Nate — and your comments in general are AMEN! appreciated — but I know that Nate Berkus is an out and proud Gay man. There is a sensationalism very very present in the Media that, given they would dedicate some free time on CNN or Larry King to devote to one person, somewhat well known, is never FREE. Nate I believe chose to be selective about his words in the beginning as not to divert into a sideshow about his sexuality and focus time and attention on finding his partner. I saw the interviews with Nate, Nate’s family and Fernando’s family and it was SHAMELESS the question baiting that the interviewers were posing to the family. They aired a tragic story and wanted badly to turn in into Dirty Laundry, just like that popular song of days gone by.
I mean after all, Oprah and her PR machine and the reach she has is vast. Everyone has skeletons in their closet, so to speak, and Oprah has carefully crafted her on-air personality. Make no mistake, she — and every other on air personality — is very different off the air or set. And there is many questions surrounding her “boyfriend”, Stedman that has always been suppressed due to that media power. Nobody will ever know the truth about anyone — but Nate’s tragedy has become a debate about his sexuality and relationship. It is human nature after all to bring this out into the open — but let’s bring the attention back to the tragedy at hand and allow men and women of all stripes to come to their own conclusions.
January 4, 2005 at 8:22 pm
Anne?!? “He doesn’t owe anyone an explanation about his personal life, and I thought it refreshing he kept his personal business to himself.” Thank you! Thank you for showing the ignorance of a straight person. Let me ask you (if your not married, let’s pretend) if you said “My husband and I went to the movies last night.” or “My husband said the funniest thing last night.” or “Are you married or not.” Are YOUR answers flaunting your personal business?? I’m SO sick and TIRED of straight people saying that gays answering basci questions about themselves that they airing their personal business. Give it a rest! It’s people like you that make men like Nate refer to personal people in their lives as “friends” You make me sick!
January 4, 2005 at 8:23 pm
My friend who is my love
There’s a conversation going on amongst bloggers and others — including an op-ed piece in today’s L.A. Times mentioned on Andrew Sullivan today — about the recent death of Susan Sontag, and how many of her obituaries mentioned her ex-husband…
January 4, 2005 at 11:54 pm
At a time like this, Nate doesn’t want to have to deal with all the crap the reporters will be putting up with IF he had referred Fernando as his boyfriend. Why not just make it easier and less stressful. I’m pretty sure Nate is already too sad and emotional to think of the right thing to say in front of the whole world. I mean, give him a break. It’s his decision to NOT let people know he and Fernando are LOVERS, it’s his life and i respect him for that.
January 5, 2005 at 9:04 pm
Mike! Whoa!!! Chill, dude! I think you have misinterpreted my comments (or, more fairly, not knowing me and my not giving background, you wouldn’t know why I said what I did). One of my most beloved relatives (now dead) was gay and I grew up not thinking twice about it. I loved him and I could not have cared less that he was gay. In fact, it was never really discussed because it didn’t need to be. We all loved my uncle as he was..all of us) I have several close friends who are gay, and it’s just not a topic of our conversation. It’s just as natural as my not talking about be heterosexual. My position is that being gay is perfectly natural and nothing that needs to be announced to the media. I don’t care that Nate is gay and I don’t care whether he called Fernando his friend, aquaintance, partner, lover or favorite puppy dog!! From my perspective, being gay is part of nature and part of being just naturally who you are. I am in favor of gay rights and if someone can introduce their love as husband or wife, all the better! I just wish more people thought that being gay was perfectly natural..thus, my opinion that Nate didn’t need to feel the necessity of informing the world about his relationship with Fernando. If a media person asked me if I were straight or gay, I’d say “none of your business.”
What’s my point?? You are who you are and that’s enough for me. That’s why I was pleased to hear that Nate didn’t feel he had to answer to the world, because he doesn’t have to. He is who is, naturally. To me, that’s more of a freedom for gays than constantly having to defend yourself. But I’m not in the gay shoes fighting the good fight. I know there are elements of the fight that I’m not aware of and not a part of. I understand that. I’m just an average person who believes being gay is just fine.
And I’d love to see the day when being gay doesn’t make news…you just who naturally you are..end of story.
January 7, 2005 at 5:50 pm
with confusing, frustrating items like these, i turn to the wisdom of Biz Markie:
oh baby you
you got what i need
but you say he’s just a friend
you say he’s just a friend