Paul Rudd was my second crush ever. It was 1995 and my best friend and I, both 14, were watching Clueless (shut up - you know you loved it at the time) at the local cineplex in order to drool over Alicia Silverstone. At least that was his reason. I went along with it because I didn’t know any better.

Though I hadn’t yet discovered my sexuality, I still say Paul was my second crush because I know now, looking back, that I had a HUGE crush on Elijah Wood in Forever Young (shown below, not-so-forever-young, thank God).

That Mel Gibson crapfest hit theatres when I was 11, and I can’t tell you how many times I watched it, the whole time praying my hardest that Elijah would be my best friend. I regularly dreamt about us playing together and always ended up crushed in the morning when I realized our “best friend” status was still nothing but a dream.

By the time Clueless came out three years later, I was still in the dark about myself. But the instant Paul came on screen, he single-handedly kick-started my height-of-puberty libido and it was all too clear: I liked boys. A lot. Uh-oh.

That was the moment I recognized my attraction to men, but I didn’t understand the implications of that attraction on the rest of my life, if that makes sense. I put the reality-part of my thoughts in brain storage, not to be seen or dealt with for another two years, when I was 16 and finally started coming out after a brief, melodramatic, slightly suicidal depression.

Anyway, here on the screen was the most perfect, gorgeous man I’d ever seen. And he was romancing Alicia Silverstone. That bitch. It didn’t matter though, not really. His eyes, smile, bone structure, hair, voice, hands … my God; it was all so perfect I didn’t know what to do with myself. (Rest assured; as you can imagine, I figured it out later that evening without much trouble.)

Though I maintain a very strong (and very gay) attraction to Elijah Wood (hello, gaydar), especially after the brilliant Ice Storm, Paul quickly overtook Elijah on my list o’ men to marry. Paul remained in my number one hottie position until I pledged myself to Duncan Sheik for time and all eternity after I saw this image in a CD store:

Paul is still the longest-standing member of my top three men list. Duncan, of course, is number one, with Paul and Nate Berkus (like you didn’t already know that) following behind. Elijah is in the unofficial #4 spot, ready to jump in should one of the top three suddenly become unable to fulfill his duties as my imaginary husband.

Duncan and Nate did briefly trade positions in late 2003 when Duncan and I were going through a painful trial separation. It was a horrible mistake on my part, and we’ve since reunited - obviously. Just don’t tell Patrick, mmkay?

With my Duncan love never faltering (it is, after all, based on mental and physical attraction, while my attraction to both Paul and Nate is more physical), and Nate’s over-exposure in the last year and a half, Paul’s been a little neglected in the last few years. And I don’t mean his post-Object of My Affection career. (Hey, everybody who does a Jennifer Aniston movie ends up paying his dues to society eventually - it’s like a JLo movie but with less skanky booty - even if said movie was a great excuse to see Paul making it with a boy.) Though I do admit that his bare-assed appearance in the stage (and later TV) production of Twelfth Night is, uh … delectable.

So, to remedy Paul’s lack of appearance here at Zionide, I present you with these Perry Ellis ads I discovered late last month. They’re about a year old and, as you’d expect, Paul’s still as hot as ever. Raaaaaaar!