Here it is, finally: the first half of the long-awaited post about David & Chris’ visit to Utah. I kept putting it off, I think, because it makes me sad to think about it now that they’re not here.

First off, let me make it clear that this is going to be - at its most extreme - a PG-rated post. So don’t get your hopes up. I know why this post is long-awaited, you pervs (so you can stop emailing me), but it’s UTAH for God’s sake. You’ll have to wait until part 2, when we hit Las Vegas, for even a hint of the details you’re craving. But no promises, since you all know about what happens in Vegas.

Second, giving credit where it’s due: most of the photos below were taken by Chris and David, so that’s just one more thing in a long list of reasons for me to thank them. By the way, if you want to see a few more pics of Utah in spring, I posted some last January.

Now, onto the goods:

When the North Carolina Boys arrived early Friday afternoon, they looked great and were as charming as ever. It was SO good to see them! Seven months had passed since we’d last been together, and I’d been concerned, worrier that I am, that it would take us a bit to get into a comfortable “groove” again. Fortunately, we picked up right were we left off.

Well, not quite right where we left off, since we all had clothes on. But you know what I mean.

Patrick & I really wanted to show David & Chris a good time in Utah - and no, that’s not an oxymoron. At least not with us. Beyond their enjoyment, I have to admit we had an ulterior motive: We wanted them to like Utah SO MUCH that they’d want to move here, and then we could hang out all the time. So selfish, I know.

Our first stop was lunch at a great local deli, then we drove up both Big and Little Cottonwood Canyons for some mountain scenery. David & Chris were amazed there were still several feet of snow at the ski resorts, yet they were wearing short in the 75-degree weather. They couldn’t believe we could still have three feet of snow in that heat, but they just didn’t know how many more feet we’d started with.

Patrick’s parents were out of town for the weekend and were kind enough to let us all stay at their house while the boys were here. Their home is not far from the Cottonwood canyons, so we got settled and then headed downtown to visit friends, browse at The Gateway, and have dinner at the Living Traditions Festival, an annual multi-cultural food fest.

The whole time we were out that first day, I think Patrick and I were a little overwhelming in our enthusiasm to share our hometown and to make sure our boys felt welcome. David and Chris were very sweet though and I don’t think they ever got annoyed at our clingy attention; they knew we just missed and loved them!

Both David & Chris were impressed with Salt Lake’s clean, wide streets, and they seemed to really like our friends, which was excellent. I’ve been friends with most of those guys for more than 10 years, so you know they’ve got to be good’uns. David told me later that it seemed like all our friends were right out of a sitcom, and I couldn’t really disagree. They’re great people, insanely funny, and almost caricatures of themselves, so the observation definitely fits.

Saturday morning we drove east toward Park City and boarded the Heber Valley Railroad for a somewhat-historic-but-mostly-just-gorgeous train ride down Provo Canyon. The round-trip route ended up being about an hour too long, but it really was beautiful, and the weather was perfect. We all got a little too much sun though and ensured we’d have farmer tan lines in Las Vegas.

After stops in a few more small mountain towns in the Uintas, including Park City, we went back home to change and headed out with a group of friends to a local gay dance club. Our friends were, of course, already completely enamored with the Boys, but they loved them even more when we all got drunk and down & dirty on the dancefloor. One friend in particular spent a good portion of the evening wrapped around David’s waist, riding him the night for all it was worth. I was relieved that David & Chris were such good sports about the attention. Then again, I don’t think it was really unwanted. For a split-second, I even felt a flash of jealousy at the attention the NC boys were giving our friends. But I got over it and realized I was just damn glad that we could all be one big gay happy family. Plus, we’d have them all to ourselves in a few days.

Since our travelers were still on east coast time, we went home a bit before the club closed and attempted a little hot-tubbing before bed. The water wasn’t quite right though, in temperature or chemical composition, so we just called it a night.

Now, on Sunday in Utah, we go to church. Ask anyone. Streets are empty, stores are, for the most part, closed, and everyone’s at church.

Of course, by “church” I mean “brunch.”

For the last couple years, all my longtime friends and I have gotten together at 1:00pm for Sunday brunch. We rotate locations and - save vacations or Sunday holidays like Mother’s Day - have not missed a week yet.

I know restaurants groan when they hear us coming. Depending on who’s in town, there’s always at least 8 of us and sometimes as many as 14. It can be a real chore to please 10 gay men, 2 lesbians, 1 bisexual chick and a token straight woman. Plus, we’re loud, off-color, and often hungover. But we’re also fun, funny, and always fashionable, so I like to think they learn to look forward to us.

Anyway, we decided that week to take advantage of our gorgeous weather and special North Carolina guests and drove up Emigration Canyon to Ruth’s Diner for a mile-high biscuit and patio dining in the mountain scenery.

Sunday afternoon is the perfect time to wander through Salt Lake’s many parks and gardens, so after brunch we started with the University of Utah’s Red Butte Garden. Chris, cute plant geek that he is, seemed to love every minute, and even I, brown-thumb and all, had to admit everything was perfectly in bloom.

After a quick trip to Liberty Park and the pagan-oriented weekly drum circle, we headed back home to make homemade fondue and watch the Desperate Housewives season finale. That night was one of my favorite of the Boys’ visit because it was just the four of us in the house, cooking and talking. The trip until then had been a whole lot of me dragging everbody all over the valley - which was fun - but it was especially nice to throw on some pajamas, grab a cocktail, and just… be there together.

Later in the evening, Patrick had to pick up his parents from the airport, so David and I decided to run to the store for more fondue makings. I even let him drive my car the two blocks to the store - which, as some of you know, is quite a show of affection for me. A couple months ago I bought another car (yes, ANOTHER), and this one, a 1995 Nissan 300ZX, is REALLY my baby. But David had always wanted a Z car and I figured I could trust a former police driving instructor.

The guest driving was expectedly uneventful (whew!), so when Patrick and his parents arrived home we all attacked the fondue. The Parents, like everyone else, loved our North Carolina Boys and, as we all went to bed, they proclaimed the Boys welcome in the house any time.

On Monday we drove west to the Kennecott Copper Bingham Canyon Mine to see one of only two man-made creations in the world that is visible from space. Something that staggeringly huge is an amazing sight (and the photo just doesn’t capture its size), though it’s far from what anyone could call scenic. The land is way too bare, mined, and raped for that. It was interesting though, and it was something Chris had asked about doing after he’d researched tourist attractions in the area.

From Bingham Canyon, we drove north to the Great Salt Lake, the second-largest body of water in the western hemisphere and home to some of the most beautiful sunsets in the world. We also drove the causeway to Antelope Island, the lake’s largest island and a major wildlife refuge for birds and all kinds of animals (primarily wild bison and … uh, antelope). It’s very pretty and very remote, but I can only handle it every couple years. The bugs on the causeway, for one thing, can practically carry you and your car away. And the smell ain’t too purdy, neither. The bugs thrive on the brine shrimp on the shores of the lake and at some times of day they’re so thick the swarms look like smoke from a campfire. Brine shrimp are about the only animal that can live in the Great Salt Lake’s water, which is anywhere from 8 to 26 times saltier than the ocean, depending on depth.

But all that icky clears up once you reach the island, though I still don’t think the lake or island were quite what David & Chris expected. It’s all so desolate and wild, but only a few miles from the city. There’s a state-owned visitor’s center and marina, and a historic ranch where a very nice ranger taught us to rope fake steers. Really though, you know we were all pretending to lasso cowboys.

Tuesday’s itinerary was downtown Salt Lake City and the Mormon tourist attractions, including the observation deck of Salt Lake’s tallest building, the Church Office Building, which is where the photos below were taken (unfortunately, the deck on the south side, where you can see downtown and the Wasatch Range, has been closed for years). Again, the Boys were struck by how beautiful and clean everything is. I forced them to also take a brief tour of Temple Square because I wanted them to have a little understanding of why Salt Lake is the way it is. I knew we were in for a little prosletyzing, and warned them to just say they were already members. I think everyone was afraid they’d be quizzed on their wives or something though, so they were honest and got the full “let me share with you my testimony of another holy book of Jesus Christ” treatment. I, of course, said I was a member, which just meant I kept getting encouraging looks from the missionaries, who I could tell were so thrilled I’d brought my non-member friends in for some truth and enlightenment!

David mentioned how clone-like the sister missionaries were, and even I was surprised at their programmed, though kind & friendly responses. All in all, I think our NC Boys saw Mormons pretty accurately: very nice, very friendly, very clean, very helpful, very sweet, and very much in their own little world. Regardless, the tours were interesting for their Salt Lake history, and I hope they helped the Boys understand why Salt Lake “culture” and society is so unique.

Coming up next: Four gay boys in two couples, a whole lotta alcohol, and three days in a single hotel room in Sin City. It’s part two of Chris & David’s trip to Zion: What Happens in Vegas…