I’ve been thinking about this topic for a few months, ever since two of my favorite blog-friends coincidentally asked me about it.

You’ll see over on the sidebar, under “Basics,” that I refer to myself as a “Gay Mormon.” That’s a big oxymoron to many people, particularly conservative, faithful Mormons, which is, in a way, why I leave it there - to emphasize that people can indeed be both gay and Mormon (though admittedly not usually very peacefully - both in the church and within themselves).

But I am not really one of those “both” people anymore. There are far too few tenets of Mormonism to which I relate for me to still call myself Mormon in real life. When people ask, I always say I “used to be Mormon” or that I’m “LDX not LDS.”

But here at Zionide, I leave the label up anyway, both for the oxymoronic emphasis and because there are so many non-Utahns reading (of my 9,983 unique visitors in the last month, 287 were from Utah - about 3%). Why does that matter? To me, being Mormon is as much - if not more - a cultural thing than a religious thing. You current Mos and former Mos alike all know what I mean, even if you don’t want to admit it.

Below is the way-too-long email answer I sent to Sam when he asked. It’s very slightly abridged but still a sprawling, disjointed mess, so I apologize. I just didn’t don’t have the capacity to explain it any other way.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how to answer you, since I think Utah Mormon culture can be kind of a strange thing to understand if you haven’t grown up with it.

I think that’s exactly the issue, really. Mormonism, especially in Utah, is not really religion. Or at least it’s not JUST religion. It’s a lifestyle and culture, probably somewhat similar to being Jewish, at least in my mind. Judaism with some really cult-like practices thrown in. No longer going to church or not believing in all that the church teaches doesn’t make you an ex-Mormon. There’s way too much invested for it to be that simple.

Because I’m a language geek, that’s how I’m going to try to explain it. I think you’ll understand what I’m trying to say, even if I do it poorly. Just remember that while I’m only specifically mentioning language here, the same truths apply pretty much across the board, to clothing, physical demeanor, politics, material possessions, and almost anything else.

Besides our flattened Southern drawl, known as “Utahnics,” there’s no longer a separate LDS language (the language of Deseret died in the late 1800s), but there is still a way of speaking that members can easily identify as “Mormon.” Whether it’s frequently used Mormon buzz-words (in church, we don’t preach from a pulpit, we “give talks,” as in “The Bishop assigned me a topic for my talk in church next Sunday”) or even an outlook on life that lends itself more naturally to a certain syntax (Mormons don’t have bad things happen to them. We are thankful for less-than-positive experiences that “give us the opportunity” to grow/appreciate/learn/etc.), Mormons talk in a distinct, very identifiable way. I know it sounds crazy and it’s tough to explain, but it’s true.

And after all those press conferences, you thought Elizabeth Smart’s father, Ed, just had a fondness for odd phrasing. Nope, it was Mormonspeak.

I don’t believe in many (if any) of the church’s teachings anymore. I never go to church. As I did this latest redesign, I did very seriously consider changing the site to read “ex-Mormon.” But because I still naturally, intrinsically respond to the church’s buzz-words, cultural buttons, and so on (and probably always will), I still think of myself as at least part Mormon. Even if you officially leave the membership rolls (which I haven’t even done yet), the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is not an easy thing to remove yourself from. Or, rather, the Church is not an easy thing to remove from yourself.

Why? Besides the cult-like lifestyle nuances, Mormon culture works to create pure faith in the church and its leaders. While no one will ever say this to you officially, individuality and thinking for yourself are undesirable traits. Mormons do what their leaders tell them, especially the church president, because he is, to them, a prophet of God, just like Moses. Given that belief, why wouldn’t they do as he says? Questioning Church authority is a big no-no. If you don’t understand something, don’t question it. Pray for understanding until you do. And if the understanding you get happens to counter what the church teaches, pray some more - and pray with faith this time. Since last time you obviously didn’t.

You’ve prayed hard enough, right enough, and faithfully enough when you get the “right” answer - the answer the Church was telling you all along. Kind of explains why reparative therapy is still popular among gay Mormons, as dismal as the results always are, doesn’t it?

There’s also the pure time commitment. Mormons go to church on Sunday for a minimum of 3 hours. We have “Family Home Evening” on Monday nights. On Tuesdays, women over 18 go to Homemaking night (now called “Enrichment”). Wednesday is Mutual (youth group) night for youth under 18. Thursday is nothing official, but many boy scout troops (Mormons are the single-largest denomination of Scouts in the country) meet on Thursday nights. On average, a faithful Mormon will spend 8-10 hours a week doing church-related activities. And that’s without a “calling.”

A calling is supposedly-divine revelation (through the bishop [local congregation leader, like a parish priest]) that you have been “called” to fill a certain role in your local church, whether it’s as a Sunday school teacher, scout leader, youth group pianist, whatever. You can turn down your calling, but like all non-conforming acts, this is quietly frowned upon.

Some of the calling jobs, like that of bishop or Relief Society (the women’s group) president, are 20-30 hour a week jobs. And they’re all volunteer. Everybody still has their day job to support their (large) family. Except many of the women, who are, of course, stay-at-home wives and mothers.

Anyway, my point is that with all this Mormonism all the time, it’s so much more than religion. It’s truly a culture with its own identifiers, class system, and so on. And leaving is as difficult as ignoring, say… your ethnic background, since it works the same way on a lifestyle level.

Now, before I get a thousand emails, particularly from still-faithful Mormons out there, please consider that this is just my personal experience and my observation of others’ experiences. Non-Utah Mormons, I’ve noticed, are much, much less “affected” than their Zion counterparts. And though the note above focused primarily on the negative, I do realize what great community-builders, humanitarians, citizens, and neighbors Mormons generally are. We’ll raise the property values in any neighborhood, despite the litter of children. Mormons are naturally community-oriented because of the unquestioning faith and other things I mentioned.

I just think giving up your individuality is a price too high to pay for that.

After reading my email, Sam got it right away. He said simply:

Rather than because of your beliefs, you identify as Mormon because of who you are and how you got to be that way.

Yep, pretty much.

Glad it took me eight long paragraphs to say what Sam said in one sentence.
*sigh*