From this morning’s cross-country conversation with my best friend, who is a lesbian currently engaged to her girlfriend:

BFF: I need to talk to you about something.
Me: Okay.
BFF: I have a crush. And I need help handling it.
Me: You always have crushes. It’ll pass.
BFF: This one’s different. It’s a big, big, BIG crush.
Me: Oh? Who is she?
BFF: Well… that’s the other thing. It’s… he.
Me: …
BFF: Hello?
Me: …
BFF: Stop it! I know, I know!
Me: Wow. Okay. Let’s think about this. Is it a big crush like, “That gay boy is so cute! I love him!”?
BFF: Well…
Me: Or a big crush like, “I want that straight man’s penis in my vagina RIGHT NOW!”?
BFF: …
Me: Well?
BFF: Eww! Gross!
Me: Alrighty then.
BFF: Wow… crush is over. I knew there was a reason I always called you with these things.
Me: My job is done.